tonight was stressful, i didnt like it at all
i dont like being worried unnecisarily over something im already aware of,
but it happens and im not mad.
i just dont like it

I miss luke alot, and its something i think about alot right now because i wonder why i miss him like i do. Maybe I see in him something ive never seen in anyone before. He seems to really care about me, and we have a fabulous time together no matter what we are doing. I'll always remember the night we saw cabaret and ran around walmart looking for "girly things" for me, haha cuz i didnt realize i was spending the night. Piggy back rides in walmart are the funnest things!
i miss that night, it was one of the best. But that movie theatre parking lot is fun too, lol, cleaning out the car and being scammed on by people on their porches.
im wishing with all my might that tomorrow is a good day, and has a better ending than today had

love you all,
and i mean it,

late night

I got to see joey, my cousin for a few minutes tonight, we were watching all the kids on campus running around killing zombies! lol!

Im excited for next sunday when luke and I go to seee Leah and watch the Flight Scheme at their show, hopefully we get to do that!
Luke is out swing dancing tonight, he did so well at the 350 concert tonight! i was very excited to watch him sing, and i was clapping like crazy the whole night! im glad i went

well im tired and going to bed now,
hope i see him again tomorow
<3

bowling!

So i dont know if i had right to be angry last night or if i was just being a stupid girl, but im less angry today. We went bowling today with one of my favorite girls-Leah, and her roommate, mike shank, and Ryley and Steph. I missed them all very much, but i was just soooooooooo happy they all got along with Luke.
Leah said to me twice today that she thinks he is great, and how perfect he is for me...
i really loved hearing that.
i just wish he agreed.

we came back to the room after a fabulous time bowling and playing pool, and i was so happy to be here since last night wasnt quite what i wanted, but i think maybe i just shouldnt get so excited anymore. I know this sounds bad saying, and anyone reading will probably read into this more than i intend, but its just that even though we had a really good time today, i want it to be more, not mooooore, just clarification is all i need. No, not even that really, its very clear what he wants, and i dont like the answer. Its not that i need to be any more than what i already am, because there isnt anything else i have left to give, i want him all to myself and i dont see anything wronge with that.
waiting is ok, but when does it get to be a little rediculous to KEEP waiting?

Im going to watch him sing tonight at the 350 day thing, and im excited because i loved watching when he was practicing last week!
<3>

eh, maybe its just a not-so-great-night
BUT.......
my cousin is here and i havent seen him in like SIX YEARS!!!!
so we're gunna chill tonight
wooo

a lil annoyed....but waiting

soooooo
im not happy
Luke was supposed to come over tonight and spend the night with me, and NOW hes out at the movies with a girl friend of his. Now, let me say a few things.

-Im ok with him having lots of girls as friends
-im ok with him hanging out with them
-im happy that he is happy hanging out with them
BUT
-im NOT happy that we made plans to be together tonight and then he thinks I will be totally ok that he runs off to a movie without me and still wants to come over after.

I dont want to be "that girl" as Dylan would say, but honestly, i miss him, and we havent had any real time alone lately, other than sneaking around his house late at night trying to be quiet. and however much i love staying at his house for the night, i wanted this time tonight. I was looking forward to it all day, and the past few days, and he knows that i was excited.

im a little upset
a bit more sad
and just really mad
not cuz hes out, but just cuz it seemed really inconsiderate

oh well

more catching up...

so that last port got screwed up and published befor i was done with it!

I miss Leah. She always makes me smile. Getting closer over the summer is probably one of the best things that happened to me this summer, because i know that now we will always be friends. I love her very much.
I miss megan and danielle, and its sooo sooo sad to me to see the differences in us three now. Megan has a whole new life that saddens me to watch. Im in college and have a whole new set of priorities, and while Danielle is still at home for the moment, she is working two jobs and has other things to occupy her. Though we still only live 20 minutes away, and im sure she is in farmington alot, we never hang out. We never talk, hardly ever keep in touch online. Its all quite sad.
I miss Korr because he seems to make sense of things for me when life is too crazy for me to think. Though all the way across the entire country, he remains a permanent part of me. I miss Dave, which is strange, but we had quite a few wonderful late night talks that probably saved me, and kept me happy. I'm so unbelievably happy for him, because he IS finally happy, and thats all i could hope for a friend.
I miss my cousin. Katie is wonderful, and is a new found love in my life, despite the many years we have spent distant from eachother.

Is it weird to say that I miss walmart? haha, yess it does! let me explain.
Jay is lame
thats all i can say about that town. If you get bored, you go to farmington. Pizza Hut, Walmart, and a movie is the classic excurtion for me and the girls. Its not that i dont get to go anymore, i mean really, its walmart. I live in farmington. Of COURSE i go there, but girls, its not the same.

The past twenty four hours have been blissful and i could not have been happier doing anything else. I had an easy day of classes, and was feeling pretty good about life. A donut from DD's started my happiness(thanx D) but hardly stopped there. Nordica was my next destination, and though i had not a single clue what was going on as i stepped up those stairs, i loved what i saw. Luke Ellis.
He makes me smile these days.
and I am more than grateful,
though i do wish he would trust me a little more ;)

His voice melts me, and while watching him rehearse a few songs on stage in Nordica yesterday evening, i couldnt stop smiling. Honestly, i just COULD NOT, because i was too impressed. One song was sung with an instructer I think? Is that what she was? Well anyway, her voice was so beautiful i almost cried. Thats crazy, but i loved it. We went to waterville to watch a bunch of his friends perform in a musical called Cabaret. Let me just say, it was amazing. I was never bored, and the ending shocked me. The girls were beautiful, and brilliant dancers, which made me a little envious, but oh well, lol. I got to meet most of the cast afterwards, because he knows practically EVERY LIVING PERSON, including everyone in walmart aparently! We ate, we sang in the car, and ran around walmart and got in trouble for playing with the basketballs. Ok, well I ran around trying to keep up with him, and his "brisk walk." "walk" is a bullshit term for what that was, by the way, cuz i was bookin it!. I got a piggy back ride twice and LOVED it, even though i was scared, and my ass was exposed just a tiny bit. :)
He refused to let me buy pj pants even though i wanted to bring them to his house for the night, because i was "going to wear his." Thats a laugh, let me tell, and i loved it even though i looked rediculous. It was a great night except for being yelled at for "tickling" him(which i wasnt) and talking about something i know he probably wishes he didnt make me spill about. None of that matters anyway, because this morning made it all better. Im always more than happy to wake up and see your face. Im not sure if I've been content like that for quite a while.
I suppose that maybe i should get to doing some homework, since this is college, and im being such a bad student lately.

Hope that tomorow is another fabulous day
<3 jen

a catch up

For the past few days, I have done a ton of thinking, and worrying, and a bit of crying to top it all off. I was worried that my life has changed, but it has. I was also worried that there may have been a little addition to my belly, and thank god, i'm still not a mother. I know im not strong enough to handle that in this stage of my life, and the relief i felt when i knew that I was ok, and safe, was indescribable even to myself. I almost wanted to scream, or cry, or even smile at the very least-that would have been apropriate, wouldnt it? But instead i did nothing. It was as if i never had a care in the world, and just went along with my business like any normal day. That was odd for me to understand.

I know that my life is changing, and has in so many ways prior to now. I understand that things are no longer the way they were in high school, and i am ok with that. I dont miss anyone terribly bad, but i do miss the comforting feeling of having a few wonderful girls to whom i could run to at any given moment-crisis or otherwise. I dont have that anymore. They are the same girls, and so am I, but we are no longer together; forced to find our own way and find new people to become close to. Dont go thinking i have no friends here at the splendid UMF, because it seems like i say hello to everyother person i see! My roommate and i are doing well, we laugh and play around, and its great to have her to talk to. Shes so open about SO MUCH(haha) that im learning slowly to be more comfortable with things i always thought of before as things you just didnt openly chat about.

uh...?

So.... today was pretty uneventful, just six hours of cleaning my dorm and jamming to Brit. Spears.
I had a good talk with my friend Mike Lafreniere while he was at work...good ole HFC.
Poor guy had to work alllll day, lol. Its always good to talk with him :)

I watched an episode of Dollhouse, and it was awesome, I recommend!

I am worried at the moment,
Someone I care a lot about is out and about tonight with his friends at the bar
That's completely fine
I'm glad hes having fun
BUT the driving part gets to me.
Most people understand why dangerous driving terrifies me,
just imagining loosing another due to the road is the worst feeling possible
I cant do that again.
He promised not to drive home tonight,
I'm hoping that he listened to the worry in my voice.

<3>

I'm sleepy now, and am going to finish watching Dollhouse, then heading to bed.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I know it will.
Can't wait until I get one of those hugs again!


(Hoping Wednesday will bring me gooooood news!!!)

long week!

<3 style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">More stress, and less time, basically.

Now, the one thing that I would look forward to, and get overexcited for, was going to the bank. Good old UCU, made me hope for a check in the mail! I felt giddy and young like a middle school girl, especially on one day when my laughter was uncontrollable. However, my persistence got me somewhere, and I now feel so lucky! I don't get the same excitement now, because I just don't need to work so hard anymore. I don't hope to be noticed, I AM noticed, its not so much of a chase now. But I still LOVE to visit, and put a smile on that face I love to see! I've gotten what I was after, I think. But oh wait, It's still just "heading in that direction," right? So what do I even call this situation? Have I won or am I still waiting? I only wish things were not so unclear. After all, this stuff takes time, though, am I right?

My roommate is sick, and its most likely entirely my sick ass fault. Everyday of my life is filled with these damn colds, no matter what i do. That's just the sad truth, and an inconvenience for her. Sorry hun! (We bought chicken noodle soup at the world class Reny's down the road, who can compete with that?!)

My stress has peaked here, the lovely hallways of Dakin hall are so darn familiar now I'm going stir crazy, I need to get out, I need to see something more interesting than cream colored walls and dirty shower floors. This smelly microwave in the common room doesn't help me either, when the whole bottom floor begins to reek of pizza pockets and popcorn. Good separate, REALLY BAD when mixed! This past week has been a wreck, and I have missed both classes AND work, on top of illness, AND lack of sleep, makes me so very emotional. Searching for some way to chill my nerves before practice last Wednesday, I was unsuccessful, and was down for the whole night and the following morning. Today at brunch with the one and only Luke Ellis, fabulous guy, I would look at him and tear up, not really understanding why. He thought I hated the games we were playing, when really i was trying to keep the water spouts from letting loose. I hate my mind when I get like this, there isn't a whole lot I can give for an explanation, due to the fact that I just DO NOT KNOW why I get so upset sometimes. I want to be happy(I am usually 90% of the time!), I want friends, I want success, and I want to be loved, deeply and dearly, so that i may reciprocate and do the same for someone else. I only hope that I'm not setting myself up for pain like I have so many times before. Well, time will tell I suppose, its the waiting part that gets to me.

Hopefully I can handle this.
Hopefully I can remember who I am and what it is I really want.
Hopefully I'm that strong.