Ok
I am a lot of different things right now. I am tired, and sad, a lil sick feeling, pissed off, annoyed(at myself and others) shy, embarrassed, self conscious, soft, tough, weak,hurt, attached, tearful, lonely, bored, hopeful, teasing, and just plain sick of it all.

I want you, but what if i dont know who the "you" is?

There is the convenient one i had from the start whom i love to be with, but insults me a lot and never makes me feel quite good enough to be his. Who is constantly putting himself down, and asking "why do you hate me?" when i dont. I want him to be perfect but I'm growing doubtful of that ever happening.

Then there is the one that's back for a second round. Distance kills me every time, but if its worth trying, couldn't it work this time?

Then finally, the hardest situation. Wonderful, hard working, caring, loves me. I never want to lose this person. Not even for a second. And im terrified that might just happen. Im over joyed to see him, and saddened to watch him walking away, like it might be the last time i get to see that wonderful face. So whats the problem, right? He is unbelievably unavailable. "It can work out" he tells me, but I dont see how without ruining something along the way.

I hate these decisions, when any of the choices would make me so happy to be the winner of, but every one of them also come with consequences, or troubles.

So if i want to be happy, to what lengths can i go to achieve this? Think of others or myself?


ALSO....(name unmentioned) is always around, and i see him all the time. I want it to end, i hate him, i wish i had never met him, he sickens me and i hate having to look around just to see if he is around so we dont bump into eachother unexpectedly. He will never read this, but i need to say, I hate you, i never want to hear your name, see your face, smell your scent, or think of my summer ever again because of you. Thanks sooooooooooo much.

Im really hoping that soon enough i will forget you, and be able to be happy without the remembrance of those few horrible nights.

<3 jen