Its crazy how happy a few little words can make you. A simple "I miss you." made my night so much better. Im a stupid worry wart, thank you Joey for making my night a little better even when your not here. three days!

<3

Gosh Im so bored!

There isnt a whole lot to do, and no one is around. Joey is writing his final paper and everyone else in the world seems to be busy too. maybe a little bit of homework is needed right now, i should probably finish up the modern dance bullshit work, but hey, after its done, NO MORE MARGARET!!!!!!

I hope i can kick this funky mood soon, i hate feeling worried when there is nothing to worry about. But everything is great and wonderful, and i had a great day kicking ass on my math final!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well now, break soon, and i get to spend it with all my favorite people in this world. :)

love you all <3

Well.

here's the deal.

Its finals week, and all i can think about is how much I should probably be studying but just cant. My mind is in a race with itself and i hate this. I spent an amazing weekend with Mr. Joseph Hooper and absolutely loved it. I love every second i spend with him, i honestly cant get enough. This is really hard to explain, since i cant quite get a hold of my thoughts anymore. They seem to be blending together as one. Im so unbelievably happy with him, but lately i feel like crying. This has nithing to do with Joey, i know that, because he is my happiness. I love my friends, and i love my mom, but this just tops it all. Im not jumping to conclusions, just simply saying hes wonderful, and perfect, and all mine.

Christmas is soooooo unbelievably close and i can not WAIT, because i have a feeling that even though no one is going to get very much for presents, it feels special. I love my mom right now, and I'm so happy because we have had so many problems in the past few years that its nice to be able to say "I love you" to her, and mean it. I get to spend the next month spending time with the most important people in my life. I'm picking up Corey from the airport with miss Leah mills, one of my absolute best friends. Should be fun, and exciting, and oh gosh Korr is coming home! at least for a little while. I get to see Leah and Danielle and hopefully Megan, and i can spend sooo much time with Joey that i cant even explain to anyone who's reading how excited i am. I met his parents, and grandparents, and friends. I guess the siblings are next. I want him to see my family too, I'm just usually a little scared about anyone seeing my family. They are nuts!

Roommate problems are being resolved now. We had a weekend apart, and now avoiding each other until she goes home for Christmas vacation. It does suck that this didn't work out, but whats done is done and neither of us can fix anything at this point. Oh well. Ill be living in Scott hall next semester with my very good friend April. Im really looking forward to it, and i think she is too. We discussed rules of the room today at lunch, and im sure it can work out with the two of us.

Im feeling so generous this year with christmas, and i just cant help but keep buying presents for people. I LOVE Christmas, and cant wait for it to be here. I want to spend that day making cookies and cupcakes with my mommy( :] ) and seeing keith and cassie again will be wonderful. I get to see a Christmas tree again, and smell the pine, and crumple wrapping paper after opening presents. I'll hopefully get to see Joey on either christmas eve or the day after Christmas, or anytime right around there, but i know he will be with his family, so i dont expect him to leave his family on Christmas obviously.

ok well ive rambled on for long enough tonight, its time to study some math and watch christmas movies.

<3

Let me just say first that I love being with Joey. He truly makes me happier than i have ever been before and im so lucky and blessed to have him be a part of my life once more. Im at USM right now, spending time with him, but my only small problem is that its all his friends here too, and i feel like i dont fit in. They all have their inside jokes and their stories that i have no part in, so i sit and listen and smile at times that feel appropriate but it just isnt all that fun. We went to the mall today and it was fun but they all came as well so it didnt feel all that special to me. I want to spend time with him, be with him, love him, but i get the pleasure of sharing. LOTS of fun. oh well. They all are out smoking pot right now and i stayed inside cuz i just dont do that.


BUT this is maybe a half hour later and ive been taking shots of jager, and holy shit. Mother fucker ive never felt this befor hahaha. So i was the happiest ive been in a long fucking time, and then our of nowhere i got sad and felt life crying, so joey and i went for a walk down some stairs and we sat down ina stair well and talked. I honestly done really remember what we were talking about but i cried and i cried and i cried and i could stop.

Im so much better now. I think i was scared of losing him.. wich tha is a stupid thing to be scared of since i know he cares about me. AND i know how much he means to me. I want to love him. I want him ti be a permanent part of me. I know that sounds big, but i really feel like he is the only one i have made a really fucking good decision about. We have been together befor and it didnt work out because we were both young and it really just could not work out.. BUT now that we are older and more mature and have both gone through relationships that taught us something new each time, I think it is almost perfect. I never dreamed of going back to Joey honestly. I was absolutely devestated when we broke up the first time but i figured it was just one of those things i would get over eventually and that we would just never be close again. This is so much different. He has really saved me. He helped me be happy. I dont worry about him being with other people, i completely trust him, more than i ever have before. that is so wonderful to me, to be able to have complete and 100% faith in him. I love every second i spend with him, and being wrapped in his arms is my favorite place to be. I have never been happier. I have never had so much hope. I have never felt so absolutely wonderful and overwhelmed and perfect and loved and everything else good in the world all at once. I cant honestly believe this.
I want to say thank you to joey because he saved me from a relationship that was bad for me, and made me realize how horribly another "relationship" with a "friend" was going.

Im happy i am here and spending time with him and his friends. Im glad to have the opportunty to get ti know al his friends and be an important part of his life, I like him so much mor ethat i expected, and appreciate him more that any of you could possibly ever know.
Im going now to spend the rest of the night with him. I want him close to me, and i will get what i want. :)

EVERYTHING is so perfect now.

<3 jen

So Im at work at the Center for Human Development. Good old UMF, making me work at 8am, plus a 6am practice with my dancers, and a late night full of dancing, homework, and this wonderful person who has really made it all so much better. Finals are coming up next week, and im not prepared at all. I still need to finish a few things for classes before im ready to start studying for finals. This next week and a half is going to suck. Pretty much thats all there is to it.

Visiiting USM this weekend, Im more than excited to go. Joeys friends are all eager to meet me, and i cant say i dont feel the same. Some girls have already started to talk to me on Facebook, and they are so sweet, i cant wait to meet them. We're gunna get some partying in this weekend, thank god, its been FOREVERRRRRRRR since ive done anything, or gone anywhere, or had ANY fun. This is going to be great. Joey came for a visit two weekends ago, and i have to say, he really has changed me in such little time. Im less stressed, and have noticed a raise in my overall mood. Im happier than before and honestly cant believe how much so.

Its Christmas time, and this time of year is so bipolar for me, haha. I wanted the snow because i want that christmas feeling. I want to be "in the mood" haha, that sounds wrong. However, now that its here i want it all gone. Im cold, and my hair gets static-y, and i cant go outside as much as i could before because there is snow all over the freaking ground! haha. Sledding and snowmen, tubing and angels are my favorite parts of this season. Maybe if i can go tubing soon ill feel better about this now white layer covering the ground. :)

Ok
I am a lot of different things right now. I am tired, and sad, a lil sick feeling, pissed off, annoyed(at myself and others) shy, embarrassed, self conscious, soft, tough, weak,hurt, attached, tearful, lonely, bored, hopeful, teasing, and just plain sick of it all.

I want you, but what if i dont know who the "you" is?

There is the convenient one i had from the start whom i love to be with, but insults me a lot and never makes me feel quite good enough to be his. Who is constantly putting himself down, and asking "why do you hate me?" when i dont. I want him to be perfect but I'm growing doubtful of that ever happening.

Then there is the one that's back for a second round. Distance kills me every time, but if its worth trying, couldn't it work this time?

Then finally, the hardest situation. Wonderful, hard working, caring, loves me. I never want to lose this person. Not even for a second. And im terrified that might just happen. Im over joyed to see him, and saddened to watch him walking away, like it might be the last time i get to see that wonderful face. So whats the problem, right? He is unbelievably unavailable. "It can work out" he tells me, but I dont see how without ruining something along the way.

I hate these decisions, when any of the choices would make me so happy to be the winner of, but every one of them also come with consequences, or troubles.

So if i want to be happy, to what lengths can i go to achieve this? Think of others or myself?


ALSO....(name unmentioned) is always around, and i see him all the time. I want it to end, i hate him, i wish i had never met him, he sickens me and i hate having to look around just to see if he is around so we dont bump into eachother unexpectedly. He will never read this, but i need to say, I hate you, i never want to hear your name, see your face, smell your scent, or think of my summer ever again because of you. Thanks sooooooooooo much.

Im really hoping that soon enough i will forget you, and be able to be happy without the remembrance of those few horrible nights.

<3 jen

ive been lazy

I know it has been forever since i have written anything,
but boy let me tell you something
this has been a hell of a ride.

ill lay down the basics tomorrow, promise.
but now I am way overdue for some much needed sleep.
Turkey is soon, and im waiting oh-so-patiently.

<3

tonight was stressful, i didnt like it at all
i dont like being worried unnecisarily over something im already aware of,
but it happens and im not mad.
i just dont like it

I miss luke alot, and its something i think about alot right now because i wonder why i miss him like i do. Maybe I see in him something ive never seen in anyone before. He seems to really care about me, and we have a fabulous time together no matter what we are doing. I'll always remember the night we saw cabaret and ran around walmart looking for "girly things" for me, haha cuz i didnt realize i was spending the night. Piggy back rides in walmart are the funnest things!
i miss that night, it was one of the best. But that movie theatre parking lot is fun too, lol, cleaning out the car and being scammed on by people on their porches.
im wishing with all my might that tomorrow is a good day, and has a better ending than today had

love you all,
and i mean it,

late night

I got to see joey, my cousin for a few minutes tonight, we were watching all the kids on campus running around killing zombies! lol!

Im excited for next sunday when luke and I go to seee Leah and watch the Flight Scheme at their show, hopefully we get to do that!
Luke is out swing dancing tonight, he did so well at the 350 concert tonight! i was very excited to watch him sing, and i was clapping like crazy the whole night! im glad i went

well im tired and going to bed now,
hope i see him again tomorow
<3

bowling!

So i dont know if i had right to be angry last night or if i was just being a stupid girl, but im less angry today. We went bowling today with one of my favorite girls-Leah, and her roommate, mike shank, and Ryley and Steph. I missed them all very much, but i was just soooooooooo happy they all got along with Luke.
Leah said to me twice today that she thinks he is great, and how perfect he is for me...
i really loved hearing that.
i just wish he agreed.

we came back to the room after a fabulous time bowling and playing pool, and i was so happy to be here since last night wasnt quite what i wanted, but i think maybe i just shouldnt get so excited anymore. I know this sounds bad saying, and anyone reading will probably read into this more than i intend, but its just that even though we had a really good time today, i want it to be more, not mooooore, just clarification is all i need. No, not even that really, its very clear what he wants, and i dont like the answer. Its not that i need to be any more than what i already am, because there isnt anything else i have left to give, i want him all to myself and i dont see anything wronge with that.
waiting is ok, but when does it get to be a little rediculous to KEEP waiting?

Im going to watch him sing tonight at the 350 day thing, and im excited because i loved watching when he was practicing last week!
<3>

eh, maybe its just a not-so-great-night
BUT.......
my cousin is here and i havent seen him in like SIX YEARS!!!!
so we're gunna chill tonight
wooo

a lil annoyed....but waiting

soooooo
im not happy
Luke was supposed to come over tonight and spend the night with me, and NOW hes out at the movies with a girl friend of his. Now, let me say a few things.

-Im ok with him having lots of girls as friends
-im ok with him hanging out with them
-im happy that he is happy hanging out with them
BUT
-im NOT happy that we made plans to be together tonight and then he thinks I will be totally ok that he runs off to a movie without me and still wants to come over after.

I dont want to be "that girl" as Dylan would say, but honestly, i miss him, and we havent had any real time alone lately, other than sneaking around his house late at night trying to be quiet. and however much i love staying at his house for the night, i wanted this time tonight. I was looking forward to it all day, and the past few days, and he knows that i was excited.

im a little upset
a bit more sad
and just really mad
not cuz hes out, but just cuz it seemed really inconsiderate

oh well

more catching up...

so that last port got screwed up and published befor i was done with it!

I miss Leah. She always makes me smile. Getting closer over the summer is probably one of the best things that happened to me this summer, because i know that now we will always be friends. I love her very much.
I miss megan and danielle, and its sooo sooo sad to me to see the differences in us three now. Megan has a whole new life that saddens me to watch. Im in college and have a whole new set of priorities, and while Danielle is still at home for the moment, she is working two jobs and has other things to occupy her. Though we still only live 20 minutes away, and im sure she is in farmington alot, we never hang out. We never talk, hardly ever keep in touch online. Its all quite sad.
I miss Korr because he seems to make sense of things for me when life is too crazy for me to think. Though all the way across the entire country, he remains a permanent part of me. I miss Dave, which is strange, but we had quite a few wonderful late night talks that probably saved me, and kept me happy. I'm so unbelievably happy for him, because he IS finally happy, and thats all i could hope for a friend.
I miss my cousin. Katie is wonderful, and is a new found love in my life, despite the many years we have spent distant from eachother.

Is it weird to say that I miss walmart? haha, yess it does! let me explain.
Jay is lame
thats all i can say about that town. If you get bored, you go to farmington. Pizza Hut, Walmart, and a movie is the classic excurtion for me and the girls. Its not that i dont get to go anymore, i mean really, its walmart. I live in farmington. Of COURSE i go there, but girls, its not the same.

The past twenty four hours have been blissful and i could not have been happier doing anything else. I had an easy day of classes, and was feeling pretty good about life. A donut from DD's started my happiness(thanx D) but hardly stopped there. Nordica was my next destination, and though i had not a single clue what was going on as i stepped up those stairs, i loved what i saw. Luke Ellis.
He makes me smile these days.
and I am more than grateful,
though i do wish he would trust me a little more ;)

His voice melts me, and while watching him rehearse a few songs on stage in Nordica yesterday evening, i couldnt stop smiling. Honestly, i just COULD NOT, because i was too impressed. One song was sung with an instructer I think? Is that what she was? Well anyway, her voice was so beautiful i almost cried. Thats crazy, but i loved it. We went to waterville to watch a bunch of his friends perform in a musical called Cabaret. Let me just say, it was amazing. I was never bored, and the ending shocked me. The girls were beautiful, and brilliant dancers, which made me a little envious, but oh well, lol. I got to meet most of the cast afterwards, because he knows practically EVERY LIVING PERSON, including everyone in walmart aparently! We ate, we sang in the car, and ran around walmart and got in trouble for playing with the basketballs. Ok, well I ran around trying to keep up with him, and his "brisk walk." "walk" is a bullshit term for what that was, by the way, cuz i was bookin it!. I got a piggy back ride twice and LOVED it, even though i was scared, and my ass was exposed just a tiny bit. :)
He refused to let me buy pj pants even though i wanted to bring them to his house for the night, because i was "going to wear his." Thats a laugh, let me tell, and i loved it even though i looked rediculous. It was a great night except for being yelled at for "tickling" him(which i wasnt) and talking about something i know he probably wishes he didnt make me spill about. None of that matters anyway, because this morning made it all better. Im always more than happy to wake up and see your face. Im not sure if I've been content like that for quite a while.
I suppose that maybe i should get to doing some homework, since this is college, and im being such a bad student lately.

Hope that tomorow is another fabulous day
<3 jen

a catch up

For the past few days, I have done a ton of thinking, and worrying, and a bit of crying to top it all off. I was worried that my life has changed, but it has. I was also worried that there may have been a little addition to my belly, and thank god, i'm still not a mother. I know im not strong enough to handle that in this stage of my life, and the relief i felt when i knew that I was ok, and safe, was indescribable even to myself. I almost wanted to scream, or cry, or even smile at the very least-that would have been apropriate, wouldnt it? But instead i did nothing. It was as if i never had a care in the world, and just went along with my business like any normal day. That was odd for me to understand.

I know that my life is changing, and has in so many ways prior to now. I understand that things are no longer the way they were in high school, and i am ok with that. I dont miss anyone terribly bad, but i do miss the comforting feeling of having a few wonderful girls to whom i could run to at any given moment-crisis or otherwise. I dont have that anymore. They are the same girls, and so am I, but we are no longer together; forced to find our own way and find new people to become close to. Dont go thinking i have no friends here at the splendid UMF, because it seems like i say hello to everyother person i see! My roommate and i are doing well, we laugh and play around, and its great to have her to talk to. Shes so open about SO MUCH(haha) that im learning slowly to be more comfortable with things i always thought of before as things you just didnt openly chat about.

uh...?

So.... today was pretty uneventful, just six hours of cleaning my dorm and jamming to Brit. Spears.
I had a good talk with my friend Mike Lafreniere while he was at work...good ole HFC.
Poor guy had to work alllll day, lol. Its always good to talk with him :)

I watched an episode of Dollhouse, and it was awesome, I recommend!

I am worried at the moment,
Someone I care a lot about is out and about tonight with his friends at the bar
That's completely fine
I'm glad hes having fun
BUT the driving part gets to me.
Most people understand why dangerous driving terrifies me,
just imagining loosing another due to the road is the worst feeling possible
I cant do that again.
He promised not to drive home tonight,
I'm hoping that he listened to the worry in my voice.

<3>

I'm sleepy now, and am going to finish watching Dollhouse, then heading to bed.
Tomorrow will be a good day, I know it will.
Can't wait until I get one of those hugs again!


(Hoping Wednesday will bring me gooooood news!!!)

long week!

<3 style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 51, 204);">More stress, and less time, basically.

Now, the one thing that I would look forward to, and get overexcited for, was going to the bank. Good old UCU, made me hope for a check in the mail! I felt giddy and young like a middle school girl, especially on one day when my laughter was uncontrollable. However, my persistence got me somewhere, and I now feel so lucky! I don't get the same excitement now, because I just don't need to work so hard anymore. I don't hope to be noticed, I AM noticed, its not so much of a chase now. But I still LOVE to visit, and put a smile on that face I love to see! I've gotten what I was after, I think. But oh wait, It's still just "heading in that direction," right? So what do I even call this situation? Have I won or am I still waiting? I only wish things were not so unclear. After all, this stuff takes time, though, am I right?

My roommate is sick, and its most likely entirely my sick ass fault. Everyday of my life is filled with these damn colds, no matter what i do. That's just the sad truth, and an inconvenience for her. Sorry hun! (We bought chicken noodle soup at the world class Reny's down the road, who can compete with that?!)

My stress has peaked here, the lovely hallways of Dakin hall are so darn familiar now I'm going stir crazy, I need to get out, I need to see something more interesting than cream colored walls and dirty shower floors. This smelly microwave in the common room doesn't help me either, when the whole bottom floor begins to reek of pizza pockets and popcorn. Good separate, REALLY BAD when mixed! This past week has been a wreck, and I have missed both classes AND work, on top of illness, AND lack of sleep, makes me so very emotional. Searching for some way to chill my nerves before practice last Wednesday, I was unsuccessful, and was down for the whole night and the following morning. Today at brunch with the one and only Luke Ellis, fabulous guy, I would look at him and tear up, not really understanding why. He thought I hated the games we were playing, when really i was trying to keep the water spouts from letting loose. I hate my mind when I get like this, there isn't a whole lot I can give for an explanation, due to the fact that I just DO NOT KNOW why I get so upset sometimes. I want to be happy(I am usually 90% of the time!), I want friends, I want success, and I want to be loved, deeply and dearly, so that i may reciprocate and do the same for someone else. I only hope that I'm not setting myself up for pain like I have so many times before. Well, time will tell I suppose, its the waiting part that gets to me.

Hopefully I can handle this.
Hopefully I can remember who I am and what it is I really want.
Hopefully I'm that strong.