Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Its crazy how happy a few little words can make you. A simple "I miss you." made my night so much better. Im a stupid worry wart, thank you Joey for making my night a little better even when your not here. three days!

Gosh Im so bored!

There isnt a whole lot to do, and no one is around. Joey is writing his final paper and everyone else in the world seems to be busy too. maybe a little bit of homework is needed right now, i should probably finish up the modern dance bullshit work, but hey, after its done, NO MORE MARGARET!!!!!!

I hope i can kick this funky mood soon, i hate feeling worried when there is nothing to worry about. But everything is great and wonderful, and i had a great day kicking ass on my math final!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well now, break soon, and i get to spend it with all my favorite people in this world. :)

love you all <3

Monday, December 14, 2009


here's the deal.

Its finals week, and all i can think about is how much I should probably be studying but just cant. My mind is in a race with itself and i hate this. I spent an amazing weekend with Mr. Joseph Hooper and absolutely loved it. I love every second i spend with him, i honestly cant get enough. This is really hard to explain, since i cant quite get a hold of my thoughts anymore. They seem to be blending together as one. Im so unbelievably happy with him, but lately i feel like crying. This has nithing to do with Joey, i know that, because he is my happiness. I love my friends, and i love my mom, but this just tops it all. Im not jumping to conclusions, just simply saying hes wonderful, and perfect, and all mine.

Christmas is soooooo unbelievably close and i can not WAIT, because i have a feeling that even though no one is going to get very much for presents, it feels special. I love my mom right now, and I'm so happy because we have had so many problems in the past few years that its nice to be able to say "I love you" to her, and mean it. I get to spend the next month spending time with the most important people in my life. I'm picking up Corey from the airport with miss Leah mills, one of my absolute best friends. Should be fun, and exciting, and oh gosh Korr is coming home! at least for a little while. I get to see Leah and Danielle and hopefully Megan, and i can spend sooo much time with Joey that i cant even explain to anyone who's reading how excited i am. I met his parents, and grandparents, and friends. I guess the siblings are next. I want him to see my family too, I'm just usually a little scared about anyone seeing my family. They are nuts!

Roommate problems are being resolved now. We had a weekend apart, and now avoiding each other until she goes home for Christmas vacation. It does suck that this didn't work out, but whats done is done and neither of us can fix anything at this point. Oh well. Ill be living in Scott hall next semester with my very good friend April. Im really looking forward to it, and i think she is too. We discussed rules of the room today at lunch, and im sure it can work out with the two of us.

Im feeling so generous this year with christmas, and i just cant help but keep buying presents for people. I LOVE Christmas, and cant wait for it to be here. I want to spend that day making cookies and cupcakes with my mommy( :] ) and seeing keith and cassie again will be wonderful. I get to see a Christmas tree again, and smell the pine, and crumple wrapping paper after opening presents. I'll hopefully get to see Joey on either christmas eve or the day after Christmas, or anytime right around there, but i know he will be with his family, so i dont expect him to leave his family on Christmas obviously.

ok well ive rambled on for long enough tonight, its time to study some math and watch christmas movies.


Saturday, December 12, 2009

Let me just say first that I love being with Joey. He truly makes me happier than i have ever been before and im so lucky and blessed to have him be a part of my life once more. Im at USM right now, spending time with him, but my only small problem is that its all his friends here too, and i feel like i dont fit in. They all have their inside jokes and their stories that i have no part in, so i sit and listen and smile at times that feel appropriate but it just isnt all that fun. We went to the mall today and it was fun but they all came as well so it didnt feel all that special to me. I want to spend time with him, be with him, love him, but i get the pleasure of sharing. LOTS of fun. oh well. They all are out smoking pot right now and i stayed inside cuz i just dont do that.

BUT this is maybe a half hour later and ive been taking shots of jager, and holy shit. Mother fucker ive never felt this befor hahaha. So i was the happiest ive been in a long fucking time, and then our of nowhere i got sad and felt life crying, so joey and i went for a walk down some stairs and we sat down ina stair well and talked. I honestly done really remember what we were talking about but i cried and i cried and i cried and i could stop.

Im so much better now. I think i was scared of losing him.. wich tha is a stupid thing to be scared of since i know he cares about me. AND i know how much he means to me. I want to love him. I want him ti be a permanent part of me. I know that sounds big, but i really feel like he is the only one i have made a really fucking good decision about. We have been together befor and it didnt work out because we were both young and it really just could not work out.. BUT now that we are older and more mature and have both gone through relationships that taught us something new each time, I think it is almost perfect. I never dreamed of going back to Joey honestly. I was absolutely devestated when we broke up the first time but i figured it was just one of those things i would get over eventually and that we would just never be close again. This is so much different. He has really saved me. He helped me be happy. I dont worry about him being with other people, i completely trust him, more than i ever have before. that is so wonderful to me, to be able to have complete and 100% faith in him. I love every second i spend with him, and being wrapped in his arms is my favorite place to be. I have never been happier. I have never had so much hope. I have never felt so absolutely wonderful and overwhelmed and perfect and loved and everything else good in the world all at once. I cant honestly believe this.
I want to say thank you to joey because he saved me from a relationship that was bad for me, and made me realize how horribly another "relationship" with a "friend" was going.

Im happy i am here and spending time with him and his friends. Im glad to have the opportunty to get ti know al his friends and be an important part of his life, I like him so much mor ethat i expected, and appreciate him more that any of you could possibly ever know.
Im going now to spend the rest of the night with him. I want him close to me, and i will get what i want. :)

EVERYTHING is so perfect now.

<3 jen

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

So Im at work at the Center for Human Development. Good old UMF, making me work at 8am, plus a 6am practice with my dancers, and a late night full of dancing, homework, and this wonderful person who has really made it all so much better. Finals are coming up next week, and im not prepared at all. I still need to finish a few things for classes before im ready to start studying for finals. This next week and a half is going to suck. Pretty much thats all there is to it.

Visiiting USM this weekend, Im more than excited to go. Joeys friends are all eager to meet me, and i cant say i dont feel the same. Some girls have already started to talk to me on Facebook, and they are so sweet, i cant wait to meet them. We're gunna get some partying in this weekend, thank god, its been FOREVERRRRRRRR since ive done anything, or gone anywhere, or had ANY fun. This is going to be great. Joey came for a visit two weekends ago, and i have to say, he really has changed me in such little time. Im less stressed, and have noticed a raise in my overall mood. Im happier than before and honestly cant believe how much so.

Its Christmas time, and this time of year is so bipolar for me, haha. I wanted the snow because i want that christmas feeling. I want to be "in the mood" haha, that sounds wrong. However, now that its here i want it all gone. Im cold, and my hair gets static-y, and i cant go outside as much as i could before because there is snow all over the freaking ground! haha. Sledding and snowmen, tubing and angels are my favorite parts of this season. Maybe if i can go tubing soon ill feel better about this now white layer covering the ground. :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I am a lot of different things right now. I am tired, and sad, a lil sick feeling, pissed off, annoyed(at myself and others) shy, embarrassed, self conscious, soft, tough, weak,hurt, attached, tearful, lonely, bored, hopeful, teasing, and just plain sick of it all.

I want you, but what if i dont know who the "you" is?

There is the convenient one i had from the start whom i love to be with, but insults me a lot and never makes me feel quite good enough to be his. Who is constantly putting himself down, and asking "why do you hate me?" when i dont. I want him to be perfect but I'm growing doubtful of that ever happening.

Then there is the one that's back for a second round. Distance kills me every time, but if its worth trying, couldn't it work this time?

Then finally, the hardest situation. Wonderful, hard working, caring, loves me. I never want to lose this person. Not even for a second. And im terrified that might just happen. Im over joyed to see him, and saddened to watch him walking away, like it might be the last time i get to see that wonderful face. So whats the problem, right? He is unbelievably unavailable. "It can work out" he tells me, but I dont see how without ruining something along the way.

I hate these decisions, when any of the choices would make me so happy to be the winner of, but every one of them also come with consequences, or troubles.

So if i want to be happy, to what lengths can i go to achieve this? Think of others or myself?

ALSO....(name unmentioned) is always around, and i see him all the time. I want it to end, i hate him, i wish i had never met him, he sickens me and i hate having to look around just to see if he is around so we dont bump into eachother unexpectedly. He will never read this, but i need to say, I hate you, i never want to hear your name, see your face, smell your scent, or think of my summer ever again because of you. Thanks sooooooooooo much.

Im really hoping that soon enough i will forget you, and be able to be happy without the remembrance of those few horrible nights.

<3 jen

Monday, November 23, 2009

ive been lazy

I know it has been forever since i have written anything,
but boy let me tell you something
this has been a hell of a ride.

ill lay down the basics tomorrow, promise.
but now I am way overdue for some much needed sleep.
Turkey is soon, and im waiting oh-so-patiently.